My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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