end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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