K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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