we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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