Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I have fence marks all over my body
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
