I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
