obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
