he wants to bone in the snuggie
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
My dad just said "fuck circus"
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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