i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
