Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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