she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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