there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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