my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
