I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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