I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
