you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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