When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
