next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
