if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
