As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
