woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I need to align my fucking chakras
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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