in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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