I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize