When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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