Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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