I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
