I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
