Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
