i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
