Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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