Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
