Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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