i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
