I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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