after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
