I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
