I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
