I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Randomize
