I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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