I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
We are two peas in an std pod
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
