I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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