Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
