Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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