I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
