i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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