I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
