I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You pole danced in your parka.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
