Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I'm like, not good at living.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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