I wish I could teleport
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
