Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
My ATM looks so different sober.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
So squirting runs in the family.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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