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gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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