Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
