I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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