so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
