I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Im just a social blackout drinker.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
