I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
