are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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