I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
