Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
