I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
