He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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