We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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