I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
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