I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
