i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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